i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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