I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
