i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
