she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
