dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I cut my penus on the lid.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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