there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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