How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize