It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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