Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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