omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
