im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
