I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do you have feelings for this penis?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize