do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
