last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
