I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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