My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
