i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's official drugs can't kill me
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
