how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
im holly from the hills drunk
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
