Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
