That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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