nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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