I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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