Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
