Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
