she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize