I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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