found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
