Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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