i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
