My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
