this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she looked like the before picture.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
