***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
