when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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