I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
me + whiskey = a bad person
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
