my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
