So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
