apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
