I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
