he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
