I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
