Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
