Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
