She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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