My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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