We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
