I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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