Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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