My hand turned me down
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
