Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sorry about my life...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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