the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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