dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
