His hands were made for my vagina.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
