I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
