No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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