hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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